New Journey

Congratulations to me! I was accepted into Pacific College of Health and Science’s Acupuncture and Herbology program. This is a masters degree program with full accreditation to become an Acupuncturist. 

2022 a selfie taken from inside my art classroom.

So how did an art teacher, mwa, start to look into and eventually decide to do a major career pivot into acupuncture? Actually it’s not as big of a shift as you might think. 

Art, what is art and why is it important? Well for that we have to delve deep into the lives of the artists we have come to celebrate. Frida Kahlo is one of my favorite artists. My ex husband used to joke that if she was still alive he would seek her out and make her his girlfriend. And why not? Her artwork is gorgeous and she had the heart of a lion. Frida’s life was plagued with suffering: chronic pain, surgeries, major life adjustments that left her on a different career path. Frida wanted to become a doctor, and after a bus accident left her bed bound she turned inward and started to paint her experience. 

Art is healing, art is the path out of suffering. For Frida Kahlo she used art to express her feelings of pain, to get them out of her into the external world. She also painted portraits of those she loved and cared about the most, her family and loved ones. She painted the beauty of the world, the mindful moments caught in her mind and expressed onto the canvas for all to share. Art is a living expression of mediation, peace, and spiritual awakening. 

Intuitive Painting for the Subtle Body Yoga retreat developed and taught by Jodi Sibilia ‘Yoga by the Lake’ 2022

When I was teaching in the classroom I felt compelled to teach students that art was a friend that would never leave them, it would be there in the darkest of times, their own expressions able to heal, uplift, and bring them peace when the world felt too big and heavy. 

So many of the people I meet on a daily basis are struggling, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I can feel their pain, attuned to the energy they are presenting. I know that art is one of the greatest healers, a great relief providing balm that everyone can access at any time, and I want to do more to help those on their journey. 

Yoga is my method of practice to connect myself to my spiritual/ higher self. I practice with my students in the wellness center and nourish my personal practice. I study, learn, read, express, paint, photograph and try to embody the philosophies of yoga in each moment of my life. I wholeheartedly know that I will find through acupuncture, the philosophies and studies of Chinese medicine and using natural herbs to rebalance the body another piece of a wellness journey to aid myself and others with. 

Yoga by the Lake, outside classes by the lake 2022

In short this is a new and abundant chapter in my life. I am nervous, as all fledglings are before they fly from the nest and trust their own wings to support them. When we start to ask ourselves what we ‘know’ it is listening to the true self, the internal compass that points to our truth. I know that this time post COVID in this world that is in flux and trying to balance and heal, we will seek the knowledge of our ancestors, hold to ancient healing practices and connect to our source energy to guide us.  

I welcome the new journey and I am excited to share the winding path. 

What we are and what we are not

Those of you who have gotten to know me know that I’m always doing ‘something’: painting , opening a yoga studio, writing and teaching mindfulness art lessons, traveling to central America on wellness retreats and volunteer work… etc. My latest project is a collaborative creative project I’ve started with a colleague.

The project takes a deep look at simplifying wellness aspects. I don’t want to go into it too much on here seeing as it is in its infancy and I want to continue to honor the process we have been working on.

That being said, I am not a surface person (just incase these journal entries didn’t shed enough light on that already…) everything I do I have to dive super deep into. As my colleague and I start to peel back layers of nonsense, gray, and misunderstandings in the creative work we are doing, more of our personal trauma stories are coming to the surface.

After one meeting where I dove particularly deep into a vain of ‘aloneness’ I ended my evening with a phone call to my ex-husband asking him to recall facts about a particularly rough time in our lives.

Work in progress

‘I’m just so sad.’ I told him. Being let down by anyone close to me over the past 30 years and ultimately learning how to survive on my own has come with this deep sense of aloneness and un-belonging.

‘Just accept that you are sad. Don’t try to change it.’ he told me.

As much as we were not meant for the domestic marriage life, he is still quite the sage.

‘The Heart of Yoga, Developing a Personal Practice’ by K.V Desikachar. (The revised edition) Chapter title ‘the world exists to set us free’ page 107

This chapter was heavy to say the least. Here the yogi talks at great length about different paths to ‘Samadhi’ which then leads to Samyama and eventually Kaivalya.

See all you really have to understand from this is that yoga is an eight limbed path. You work at all eight limbs at the same time throughout your life experience; the postures, breath work, and meditation are 3 of the eight limbs. Students who come to yoga to achieve ‘Enlightenment’ know that Samadhi is essentially where you want to end up as far as an overall feeling.

What was interesting is the teacher goes into talking about Kaivalya as the practice that is achieved after you are in a continued state of samadhi. (WHAT??? MIND BLOWN)

I was under the misconception that Samadhi was end game. But as with anything in yoga, there really doesn’t seem to be a true end game, it is slippery, fluid and organically spontaneous. To practice the right conditions is the only way our body and mind will have the opportunity to experience these things.

So what I found to be particularly interesting about Kaivalya was that it means “To Keep To Oneself.”

This is where the pin dropped for me: All of us going through this global pandemic, in quarantine, alone, on this isolating journey as a whole human race at this very moment… How can I not draw a parallel?

A person who as achieved kaivalya understands the world so they can stand apart from it. They do not carry the burden of the world on their shoulders. They are still human, with needs and human function, and they might even be able to motivate people or change the world, but they are not affected by it. They are sure of themselves and their place in the world.

Work in progress

So what does this all have to do with 1) being sad and 2) accepting it.

Most of us have heard the saying ‘If you do what you love you will never work a day in your life.’ Meaning that if you are enjoying your work it wont feel like work. There is this understanding that when we are doing our true life’s purpose, we feel like we are in the ‘zone’. For me there are moments when I am painting, teaching, or doing yoga where I feel like nothing else matters. It’s like a hyper focus where every vibration in my body is hitting the right frequency and I move with fluidity and knowing. Many of us have experienced this ‘zone’ before, maybe we are unaware of it.

Think about a time where you just did what you were doing effortlessly. Maybe you were singing, creating, or running. It just moves through you, you are one with a task or situation; this is samadhi.

It doesn’t have to be profound, maybe its just a moment of ‘ah ha!’ while you are learning something new or dancing.

Does this sound familiar: I’m sad. Why am I sad? I don’t want to be sad. I need to do a, b, c. I’m to sad to do those things. Why am I sad. Oh yeah that’s why I’m sad. Now I’m angry about those things. Why can’t I be anything other than sad or angry now. I’m not a good human because I’m sad. no one else is sad. UGH why can’t I just be not sad. This is so frustrating. Now I’m frustrated and sad. I know I’ll just change how I feel. Nope still sad…

When we are sad, angry, upset, etc. We fight these feelings because we do not want to be this way. We want to be happy, that is where humans ultimately want to stay; contentment.

When we honor our feeling and just accept it, not only do we provide a ‘down stream thought’ and stop the fight, we eventually allow for new things to come through when they are ready.

Now without the fight: I’m sad. I accept I am sad right now.

If the true intent is just to accept how we are in the moment, our truth comes back to us. The journey to Kaivalya is now being taken: to understand the world so we can stand apart from it, to not carrying the burden of the world on our shoulders, to being human and interact with the world but not be affected by it, to be sure of ourselves and our place in the world.

According to yoga “The purpose of the whole of creation is to give us a context for understanding what we are and what we are not.

My deepest advice to you, is just to practice accepting what is. See if this small shift changes anything with in you. Don’t try to distract or fight it. Just honor it and accept what ever feelings come up. You may be closer to your true path then you ever realized.

Through Flames and Darkness

Thanksgiving and November in general has to be my most difficult time of year. The idea of family gatherings bring me nothing but a burning through my chest: a mix of hope and loss.

How green I was five years ago, my last name recently changed through marriage and struggling though my second semester of student teaching in a Pittsburgh inner city high school. Still fresh with the ideals that had been presented to me through my life- some sort of fantasy intertwined with hope and crushing disappointment. 

I wish I could even remember what I was trying to teach the students that day, or what topic my after school course was when I got the email, (yes… email) that my house had been lit on fire and was currently being extinguished.  I think the landlords even said ‘it’s all been taken care of.’ like it was a broken hinge on the door or someone mistakenly put my mail in the wrong slot. 

Lights from fire trucks were blazing as I pulled up. The company who had been hired to fix the roof had lit it on fire by mistake when using a blowtorch. I entered looking for Whittaker, ignoring all the men who tried to talk to me about logistics and insurance. 

He had been home alone, just a kitten at the time, and after searching and calling for him he finally appeared, shaking and scared. I pulled him to me and breathed him in, soothing his fears. 

That’s when the phone rang: 

“Your mom is dead.” 

A high-pitched ringing in the ear and breath stopped in my lungs. At least the voice was familiar on the other end of the phone, gentle cool, begrudgingly giving me this tidbit of information, my grandmother.  

Firefighters boots heavy on the floor behind me tracing patterns on the old wooden floorboards now covered in soot in water. The only words I could utter from my lips were “ okay”  before ending the phone call and standing in the war zone in my own home, so different from how I had left it that morning.  

Hands shaking, I dialed my new husband, I tell him that my mother has died, over 1000 miles away from my now ash soaked linen.

The cleanup crew sent in women, with mops and buckets, brooms, and towels. One of them stoped, noticing my tears. She ran to me giving her condolences on the fire, the loss of my possessions, the inconvenience of my displacement.

I allowed myself to confide in this woman, a stranger, that my mother has just died. Instinctively she reached out, pulling me to her chest, as I began to sob, my inhales catching her gentle perfume. She smoothed my hair and tells me she is sorry, comforting a little child in her arms.  

Women do this, we sooth, comfort, give of ourselves to complete strangers, to loved ones, to the little children whose tears are hot and sticky on their cheeks. It is race-less, creed-less, genderless, to whom we give this love.

As women we feel such deep emotions, beautiful things like love and hope, and we can feel pain in others as if it was our own. It is such a powerful thing to be able to comfort, to lean into a woman and ask for help, to be given that help so freely. How powerful, how absolutely gorgeous in our divine nature, our truth. 

From the literal ashes of my worst day on this earth I have rebuild myself, piece by piece. 

This is the truth you have been needing to hear- If pain can be acknowledged and given comfort as if it was a little child; if you allow your self-love to be a balm, you will heal.

It is guaranteed.

It’s not easy, to push up against these big feelings; to allow yourself to fall to your knees in agony, to cry unapologetically, to beg God or the universe to ease your suffering, to feel every bit of the experience, but it is truly necessary. It passes. It is but a storm on a black sand beach.  It is temporary. 

You must experience it, know that you are indeed strong and worthy, you will be there at the other end of the storm. You will hear your own breath in your lungs, your heart beat in your chest. You will still be alive at the end of it. It is not the end.

You are not alone, you never were alone. The worlds women are here to hold you while you sob, even if it’s just in our hearts- we all feel you through the flames and darkness.  

current work in progress- Acrylic on paper 12”x18”