New Journey

Congratulations to me! I was accepted into Pacific College of Health and Science’s Acupuncture and Herbology program. This is a masters degree program with full accreditation to become an Acupuncturist. 

2022 a selfie taken from inside my art classroom.

So how did an art teacher, mwa, start to look into and eventually decide to do a major career pivot into acupuncture? Actually it’s not as big of a shift as you might think. 

Art, what is art and why is it important? Well for that we have to delve deep into the lives of the artists we have come to celebrate. Frida Kahlo is one of my favorite artists. My ex husband used to joke that if she was still alive he would seek her out and make her his girlfriend. And why not? Her artwork is gorgeous and she had the heart of a lion. Frida’s life was plagued with suffering: chronic pain, surgeries, major life adjustments that left her on a different career path. Frida wanted to become a doctor, and after a bus accident left her bed bound she turned inward and started to paint her experience. 

Art is healing, art is the path out of suffering. For Frida Kahlo she used art to express her feelings of pain, to get them out of her into the external world. She also painted portraits of those she loved and cared about the most, her family and loved ones. She painted the beauty of the world, the mindful moments caught in her mind and expressed onto the canvas for all to share. Art is a living expression of mediation, peace, and spiritual awakening. 

Intuitive Painting for the Subtle Body Yoga retreat developed and taught by Jodi Sibilia ‘Yoga by the Lake’ 2022

When I was teaching in the classroom I felt compelled to teach students that art was a friend that would never leave them, it would be there in the darkest of times, their own expressions able to heal, uplift, and bring them peace when the world felt too big and heavy. 

So many of the people I meet on a daily basis are struggling, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I can feel their pain, attuned to the energy they are presenting. I know that art is one of the greatest healers, a great relief providing balm that everyone can access at any time, and I want to do more to help those on their journey. 

Yoga is my method of practice to connect myself to my spiritual/ higher self. I practice with my students in the wellness center and nourish my personal practice. I study, learn, read, express, paint, photograph and try to embody the philosophies of yoga in each moment of my life. I wholeheartedly know that I will find through acupuncture, the philosophies and studies of Chinese medicine and using natural herbs to rebalance the body another piece of a wellness journey to aid myself and others with. 

Yoga by the Lake, outside classes by the lake 2022

In short this is a new and abundant chapter in my life. I am nervous, as all fledglings are before they fly from the nest and trust their own wings to support them. When we start to ask ourselves what we ‘know’ it is listening to the true self, the internal compass that points to our truth. I know that this time post COVID in this world that is in flux and trying to balance and heal, we will seek the knowledge of our ancestors, hold to ancient healing practices and connect to our source energy to guide us.  

I welcome the new journey and I am excited to share the winding path. 

Choosing a New Path

The Heart of Yoga, Developing a Personal Practice’ by K.V Desikachar. (The revised edition) Chapter title ‘Actions Leave Traces’ page 87 .

The chapter’s title reminds me of the phrase ‘words create worlds.’ because Desikachar touches on two important topics of metal suffering and how to help find relief from it.

The chapter is brief, a couple of pages and very dense. I feel fortunate to have such a good grasp on these concepts from previous trainings because otherwise it could easily be overwhelming. At one point I sort of giggled to myself when on page 88 it says ‘…the other steps are too complex for our discussion.’ and instructs us to read from the yoga sutra for additional commentary.

So with out further delay, may I present Duhkha and Samskara.

“Duhkha (suffering) arises when we do not get what we want; it arises from desire. It also results from wanting to repeat a pleasant experiences that actually cannot ever be repeated because the situation has changed. Another form of duhka is experienced when we become habitual to having something and suddenly do not have it any more. In this case duhka arises because we have to give up something we are used to…” pg 87

“…The conditioning of the mind that lets it continually take the same direction is called Samskara. Samskara is the sum total of all of our actions that condition us to behave a certain way (which can be negative or positive)…” pg 89

So much comes to mind for me here I could probably write about it for weeks on end. I’m choosing to keep todays narrative personal.

When I first came to yoga I was 100 pounds heavier then I am today. I had awful self-esteem. My thoughts were constantly in a state of bouncing from one terrible incident to another. I would flash back to events from when I was 8, 4, 20, 18, re-live them, feel them, all over again in their entirety, and then verbally abuse myself with my own thoughts.

Trying paddle board yoga at 50lbs+ heavier (Before)

I was not a happy girl. I was plagued by this cycle that was unending. My self love and worth were nonexistent. I hated my body, I didn’t have a healthy idea of what love was, or what it was to be valued or value myself. I had next to no boundaries and those that I did have where very flimsy at best.

That pattern of thoughts, the minds chatter telling me how stupid, ugly, or unloveable, I was, was my Samskara at the time.

My Duhkha came from wanting things to be different then they were, wanting to be thinner, smarter, or happier. My life was also in a constant state of upheaval. I have moved over 20 times in the last 10 years.

I know a lot of people who are having this similar experience currently. I hear good friends explain a pattern they are stuck in, a way of thinking that they know is unhealthy or saddening to them, or just continual frustrations that feel limiting and exhausting.

The truth is we have all been there or are currently there in a loop that maybe we are unaware of. A pattern of unhealthy thought, behavior, or an unhealthy attachment to an outcome or desire.

This is suffering.

Desikachar tells us in this chapter that a good way out of our suffering is to…. TRY NEW THINGS.

When we try new things we see things differently and this can change our thinking, we actually become more aware, we perceive things with a clearer mind because we are focused on what is, instead of listening to old thoughts or patterns in our head. We are present in the moment of our new experience.

(Before)

Desikachar suggests trying a new yoga routine instead of the one you habitually practice, but you could take this further; a new setting, a new studio, outside meditation, or walking a new trail (or even just taking the same one a different direction), maying painting instead of drawing, or taking an old film camera along for a short road trip.

If you are really stuck in a pattern try something to shake it up a lot so you see things differently.

I started to see my whole world differently the second I stepped onto my yoga mat the first time, tried new healthier food, learned to surf, jumped into the saddle on my first lesson horse, traveled solo to new countries, did things I had not experienced before.

(Before)

I was the girl who told herself every moment of every day that she had no worth, was not athletic, was too overweight to do anything much less exist or take new challenges. It took many baby steps and trying new things, getting out of my comfort zone, and adjusting many Sanskara patterns to get to where I am today.

This week, the first time I attempted some yoga with my paddle board. I was so fortunate to have someone who cared enough to take some pictures while I was doing my practice. I was nervous about the images, because I still have some old thought patterns about my body bouncing around in the back of my mind, but I allowed myself to be photographed, to be present, to have a new experience.

When I saw the pictures I exclaimed. ‘I can’t even be mad about my imperfections, I have come so far.’

Trying paddle board yoga this weekend (After: changing my patterns through self-love)

So trust me when I tell you that one new experience may help you to find clarity of the mind, come into the present moment, to stop a pattern that is holding you back.

Please share in the comments how you have or want to try new things and finding focus in doing so.

Remember, yoga class Monday, Virtually at 7pm

Imposter Syndrome

Doodle of a house on the shore of Lake Huntington.

My mac is broken, I have a plan on how to fix it but in the meantime I’ve been slightly stuck with my artwork. This urge to doodle has come about due to the stagnation of major work in the studio.

I’ve had a very full head lately. Lots of new opportunities are starting to crop up for me in yoga and my personal journey; I am taking my time with them all. I’ve been working on manifestation and affirmation for about a year now and I can see the physical manifestation of the things starting to come into my reality. This is causing some questions about the future.

In turn, I had a conversation with my colleague about how we can sometimes feel like we are not good enough for our opportunities or manifestations. She called this ‘Imposter Syndrome’ where we make up this other person in our mind who is really us and label them as insufficient in some way. (she is so smart) I think that there is a lot of this ‘Imposter Syndrome’ going around lately as I listen to clients and my own art students in the classroom.

Yoga is interpreted as a ‘coming together’ or ‘to unite’. I interpret it as a coming together of the head, heart, soul and mind. The Heart of Yoga, Developing a Personal Practice’ by K.V Desikachar. (The revised edition) Chapter title ‘Yoga: Concept and Meaning’ page 5. talks about this concept of attaining what was previously unattainable:

“…there is something that we are today unable to do; when we find the means for bringing that desire into action, that step is yoga. In fact, every change is yoga."

The book goes on to talk about how learning asana (yoga postures) studying literature on yoga, or having a discussion about yoga is considered this ‘change’ because we are doing something we never did before and that changes our realities. Also, that classes taught by yoga practitioners sometimes give off the impression that there are prerequisites in order to study yoga; such as vegetarianism or to not be a smoker. However, yoga aims to meet us where we are. If we practice yoga then we might want to give up smoking as a result. (change as a result of the practice)

“We begin where we are and how we are, and what ever happens, happens.”

So it’s fair to surmise from this that the practice of yoga is actually to honor our path, allow for new manifestations and opportunities to come to us. Maybe there isn’t as much fear in the change as we have come to believe.

When this imposter enters your mind and tells you all the falsehoods about yourself (you know what they are…) we can start to practice yoga in those moments:

Doodle: I found a deer skull in the woods and have been thinking about how to incorporate it into my next work. Nothing ends, it just changes.

• Become present in the moment, focus on one thing at a time, one sensation.

• Remember that there is a higher source then us, protecting us, loving us, and helping us on our journey and that we are one with this source energy.

• Practice gratitude for our gifts and talents, love in our life even if that is in a pet, the wild birds or sound of the breeze in the trees.

• Be open to discovery, allow what is going to happen to happen, have a child like curiosity for the world that is about to unfurl to you.

• Bring attention to your own health, book an over due medical check up, reevaluate your eating habits, dive deeper into your self care, call your therapist, join me for my virtual donation yoga classes on Monday evenings.

• Keep a journal of all of your wins, you have more than you think!

• Release attachment to the outcome. What ever happens, happens. Let it arrive as a gift, a blessing or a lesson.

It’s fair to say that there is still an imposter Jodi lurking somewhere in my mind, but that is just a shadow. Loving our shadows, showing them how to play and interact with us is as simple as giving them a name, recognizing they are there and honoring the reason they are there, which is usually to try to protect us (however misguided that is).

Here is hoping you found some comfort in this and will consider adding these practices to your day. Baby steps friends. You’re not alone.

So I did

‘So much has changed’ an understatement for the year 2020. This time last year I was in my marital home, in a different job, my a horse and two cats alive and well, teaching yoga classes out of my studio. 

12 months, 365 days ago. That is a blink of an eye, a drop in a bucket. Where we’re you on your life path a year ago?

Transformation and rising to the challenge has been the theme of this year. I have found foot holds, and small caves to rest in during the metaphorical rock face mountain climb- grateful for each moment of pause and self-reflection. 

I am what my therapist would call a ’surviver’. It sounds glamorous… It isn’t. My primary way of dealing with situations is to ‘survive them’. That means I shed things, people, and places quickly, loosening my burdens or responsibilities in order to survive.  

Imagine you are floating in a little boat on the ocean. It is a calm and beautiful day. You have everything you love and need with you on your boat. Then, all of a sudden, a storm kicks up. To survive the storm, my first reaction is to start throwing things overboard. <— welcome to my shadow work.

This year was important for me to experience because it forced to me face some of my truths about my ‘survivalist’ mentality. 

The first truth; I was raised in isolation. The woods, birds, and frogs were my friends. I grew up making imagination my playmate. I would take to the woods, the fields of the farm, and the comfort of my own companionship to overcome my loneliness. 

When the pandemic hit my county and we shut down, I was scared, as we all were, I sank deep into my childhood experience. The isolation reminded me of my youth, at 4 years old, wondering around in wooded groves, talking to wild animals, allowing stillness and solidarity to be my kinfolk. 

I was was born to overcome isolation while making friends with it. 

The second truth; No one said ‘I love you’ growing up. There were no hugs or kisses, no comforting cuddles when I fell or scuffed my knee outside. I wasn’t told I was beautiful, smart, or kind. I didn’t have any sort of role models for how to help others feel respected, nurtured, or loved. Diminishment of self and being the preverbal doormat was how I was raised to behave to ‘fit into’ society.  Be quite, do what they say, and take my punches without flinching. I have given many years of my life to making others feel more comfortable with my presence, to be small and of service. Like many women and girls, I was brought up to fit into a box that a man would find appealing.

During COVID, I isolated in the Catskills, with limited internet and no TV, I was sitting with myself a lot. No distractions. In that time I sunk, like many of us did, giving into a certain level of fear and the question of ‘What will become of me now?’. That is when I took to the yoga mat, I meditated, prayed, and stared out the window at the early spring days, when night came I stared at my own reflection asking the universe ‘What now?’ it answered…’Focus on yourself.’ 

So I did. 

The third truth; through my suffering as a child I learned who I was as a person, my truth. I learned that I cannot control anyone else but myself. I learned how to survive my situations. I learned the value of my own thought and that my power frightens weak people. 

When we went into ‘lockdown’ I had to make a choice on how I was going to navigate the whole experience. I wrote down steps, changing how I would ‘survive’ to how I would ‘THRIVE’ during the pandemic. I wrote down several things that I would do every day or week to THRIVE in the situation. 

Some examples were to do my yoga, sit in nature, write and do my artwork every day… also to connect with another person, begin a search for a romantic partner who wanted to be on this journey with me. 

So I did the unthinkable. After sifting through my work in isolation, focusing on myself, and actively manifesting how I want to feel with a new life partner- I started dated, for the first time in 7 years, during a global pandemic. 

From this experience I learned that affirmation doesn’t really care who you are, but what you think and feel regularly, and it will, without a single doubt, manifest your thoughts again and again without fail into the physical world. 

The pandemic brought me a gift, the ability too see every situation as an opportunity. 

An opportunity to learn, reconnect with myself, love when it is hard or scary, trust the process and myself, trust in my feelings, respect myself, and dive deep into my shadow.  It gave me the opportunity to accept loss, grieve completely and fully, accept what I cannot change, and to grow as a person. 

So, where am I at the end of 2020?  

For me it feels like the best is yet to come, there are so many wonderful things to look forward to.  My third eye is open, my heart is full and my mind is ready. I feel confident and strong in my abilities going into the next year, this next phase of things. 

I wish you peace and deep self love for the new year. My hope for you is to walk in your life knowing that every situation is an opportunity, and that you are not alone in the journey. 

Let it Burn

I have endured my fair share of emotional pain in my life. I first started my yoga journey, one hundred pounds heavier and full of self loathing, standing winded at the top of the single story steps to the studio with unease in my heart. I had recently moved to Pittsburgh to start a new life, leaving a career in EMS in New York to earn my masters degree in teaching.  The rent prices then were easily manageable with a meager hourly wage and my tuition costs included some living expenses. Because I was alone, unmarried without family in a 2000 mile radius, I hedged my bets on self-improvement in the vein of my own education. While this may seem logical, to continue to go to school for greater career goals and financial independence, it was more that somewhere deep inside me I knew I was worthy a good life. This spark of resiliency, is key, I think, to healing emotional pain and trauma. 

When I took my first yoga class at 25, I had such a terrible relationship with my body and my feelings. I felt I wasn’t enough. Period.  If I had been enough my parents wouldn’t have physically hurt me, or drank, or caused so much deep emotional pain. Lovers would have stayed loyal, been kind, listened to me and treated me with respect. Love was missing from the outside world and, therefore, within. 

I had been fighting the idea of yoga for years. During my time as an undergraduate the yoga studio down the street offered $2 classes. I was encouraged by everyone to attend. They said I would love it, it would be so good for me. I resisted, fearing I would start crying if I had to walk into a room full of strangers and be told I was worthy of love. Little did I know that, yes I would absolutely cry, but that would be much later and extremely liberating. Because the cry we have during our yoga or meditation is our truth bubbling to to surface and letting go of self-doubt and emotional pain or blockage. It’s very healing. 

In my own studio I tell my yoga students with a grin ‘If you aren’t crying, I’m not doing my job!’ Inciting laughter. They laugh because there is a undeniable untold understanding that they are safe to cry and let go with me. Those who are not ready don’t practice with me, and those who are edging the line keep coming back. 

I found a spot on the floor and clumsily laid down my mat somewhere in the back of the small homey studio. The light sifting through the second story windows warmed the pine floors and the soft sent of incense clung in the air. I listened, mouth agape, as the teacher, a total stranger to me, explained that today’s class would be about transitions into a new phase of our lives. She handed out small pieces of green backed paper and told us to write one thing we wanted to let go of, and one thing we wanted to bring into our lives to replace it. Once we were done we were instructed to fold the paper up tightly and tuck under the top of our mat- and after class we were to burn it. 

I didn’t know at the time that this was a fire ceremony surrounding the idea of cleansing and transformation, or that I would continue to practice and lead them. I only knew that this resonated so deeply to my feelings (vibration)  I could no longer deny it. Yoga and it’s philosophies would be like a salve to my wounds, and enable me too stand in my truth as a light worker and teacher to those who are open to it.  

That day in the studio something cracked inside of me and a small ember was lit into a tiny little flame in my belly. The truth is, that once that flame is lit, nothing in this world can extinguish it. It is that small little light that shines outward clearing away the darkness, the hurt, the emotional pain. Reflecting on that light, feeling it’s warmth on the cold days, is like a hot bath that comes from within. 

If you are reading this then your spark has already been lit and can never be extinguished. Always know, you are so worthy of this little flame within you. Let it burn baby.